My true feelings about breastfeeding
I’m at the 13 months mark with my fantastic baby girl and faced with a decision that I’m not sure I’m ready to make.
I spent the first year of my child’s life thinking that by the time I reached the one year mark I would stop breastfeeding .
This decision was taken based on the books and articles I read and people I talked to, that suggested to breastfeed at least until the one year of age.
Well when I finally arrived at the goal I had envisioned I could not bring myself to stop.
I honestly thought it would be an easy decision to make since I spent the entire year preparing for it and thinking that it would be over at that point.
It was not like that at all… I’m now at 13 months and my little one seems to enjoy it so much that it breaks my heart to only think of taking it away from her.
For some reasons I would like to stop, probably all selfish but nonetheless they’re there pushing me to make the final decision.
I sometimes feel powerless, somehow confined as if the simple fact that I’m feeding my child is taking away my freedom.
I feel overwhelmed by it sometimes. It’s a feeling I’ve struggled with since the beginning, and now that I reached my goal it’s becoming more and more predominant.
I feel restricted in my decisions because of it.
I feel like a food truck that needs to work overtime all the time. I don’t decide the time, the place, the days. There’s no vacation from it!
My boobs have become just food. My daughter pulls at my shirt constantly! Even after she’s done eating, she keeps pulling and when I’m in public or talking with someone I feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.
I want to stop but I can’t force myself to make that decision because I know she’s not ready. I cannot do that to her! So I keep going hoping for a sign that she’s ok with letting go. Hoping for her to pick up interest in food so I wouldn’t feel guilty for taking it away from her.
It’s not an easy decision for me because the most important thing is my daughter and although I don’t have the greatest relationship with breastfeeding I will continue to do it.
I just need to look at her while she’s feeding and it all goes away. The happiness I see in her eyes is enough for me.
And although I think it’s time to stop, I will continue until she is more comfortable with letting it go.
For now the happy meal is still on the menu and the food truck will stay open for business.
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Thank you all
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